Wednesday 30 January 2013

Well, That Guy Was Pissed!

There was writing to be done!

Yesterday I had a stroke of writers block and nothing could be more frustrating and so full of anguish to me then when I am unable to find word's to put down on paper. 

So... 

I had some things to do today and in between going from place to place I took in a few sights, walked around (in the pouring rain no less), and listened to music. I was really giving it my all, trying to get this mind rolling. Then they hit me! Yes! Word's! Sentence's flowing again and I had to get these jotted down. 
I went into a coffee shop just a few blocks away from my house, grabbed a coffee and a donut and let loose on my notebook. One poem finished. Next.... I could feel the discomfort and uneasiness slowly start to creep through my fingers, through the pen, and onto the paper until....
Two men sat down at a table a foot or so to the right of me. Both older men. They sipped their coffee and at first were of no harm to my process. 

"You know what I was saying earlier was the cut and clear fact that when God spoke to us for the first time it was through Moses. What he said was 'I AM WHO I AM.' Meaning God created the light of the day and the light of the night. Moses grew up in Egypt and was forced to believe that the Sun and the Moon were actual God's but this was the first time we as people were ever spoken to by God and it was at that moment in time that the Egyptian beliefs were completely disproved. This was done by the scripture which was the first book."

The man was almost preaching this to his friend at the table in a thunderous manner although his friend didn't quite appear to be getting what the man was saying anyway (which was highly understandable). The word's in my head began to disappear and all I could hear was the voice of this man over everything. My word's again had vanished.

"Ya' see, there were ALL of these "scientists" who came AFTER Moses, ya know, the Greek scientists, Aristotle and Plato, who tried to disprove the word of God by saying that he did NOT create the Sun and the Moon only to find out that through scripture they have been proven wrong."

Okay...

Sink teeth deep into tongue. Remain calm. Pick up your things, head for the door, get outside, walk a couple of blocks away, maybe scream if you need to, and just go home. Confrontation is not the way to go. Relax Jaden.

 "Now we have these men like Richard Dawkins trying to tell us that alien's have visited earth and that the scriptures are just written by men and he titled his book The God Delusion. Yet every time he gives a lecture he contradicts himself. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Really! The man doesn't know what he's talking about especially when we have proof like that, from the beginning of time no less! Just after the creation of man and the Garden of Eden. People are just so damned naive now a' days! Fools."

If my tongue was not reduced to a bloody pile of ground meat inside my mouth it sure as fuck was soon to be. I flipped over to a clean page and wrote the only clear thing that was present in my mind. The calm I was trying to keep a tight grasp of had moved on to a feeling of angered steam, which then carved itself a path for fire. I folded what I had written into a neat rectangle and walked over to the man at the table after putting on my coat.

I handed him the folded piece of paper. The outside read "I wrote you a poem" signed J.L.A. The man looked surprised and opened it up only to find that the contents of the inside read "Word's To The Narrow Minded Man Sitting Next To Me In A Coffee Shop: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

He stared up at me with that look you get when you've just unintentionally made a joke about somebodies mother who you then find out through a complete lapse of silence has just passed away and yes, oh yes, you have now become that asshole. He crumpled the paper and threw it at my head.

"We're going outside!" The man exclaimed as I stared at him blankly.

"Okay." I replied as I picked up the crumpled ball.

I did not want to fight. I am no fighter. In fact one blow from this 52 year old, broad bodied, arrogant man and I'm sure my slender frame would crack instantly under the weight of his fist but I accepted this as fate because if you're going to do something (and I mean, I had committed myself to the thing very deeply at this point) you see it straight through to the end. No choice. I walked outside, set my coffee down, and lit up a cigarette. I stood there for a couple minutes but the man still had not left his seat. I walked over to the window and gave it a couple of light taps with my lighter. As I said before, this man would have beaten, kicked, destroyed, buried, butchered, pummeled me... What have you... but in this situation my "ca hones" appeared to be extremely large and any man with that kind of fearless courage is not be tampered with. 

The man never came out and there was no fight but I also did not have to walk a few blocks to scream at the sky, nor did I bite off my tongue. In fact, I feel alright now! No frustration. No anguish because now I know....

There's writing to be done!




Saturday 26 January 2013

The Soup That Kept Me Strong

It must have been the soup that kept me strong
On those days when there wasn't even a penny in my pocket
and that bitter cold that always crept deep into my lungs
Reminding me that I didn't have any smoke to fill them with
That was when people always looked the happiest to me
So content with their possessions
So passively cool about having a stiff meal
But me
I just went for the soup
The cheap stuff
.59 cents for a bowl of broth and noodles
and my friends would buy me beer
and I'd pass out in the night time and wake up the next day still with no pennies
At about noon I'd walk to some busy place in the city and watch all these happy people eating,
making plans for the evening,
and so on.
They all had jobs that they loved
Where they found them I would never know
and they dressed fine
and I dressed just as well
They didn't even notice that I wasn't one of them
Not me...
I was something else entirely
I sat there among them to trick my brain into thinking that I was one
Sometimes, I'd get some eye contact from a classy broad in a mini skirt
or a head nod from some prick in a suit
and I'd think to myself:
"It's working! It's working!"
Then they would all leave at 1:30pm or some time around 2:00pm and I would pick up and go with them
I'd take that long cold walk back home
Maybe bum a smoke on the way
Get back and toss a pot on the stove
The water would begin to boil and I'd rip open that cheap ass pack of noodles and watch them soften in the water as their temperature began to rise
Cigarette hanging from my lips
I'd light it up in the warmth
In comfort
I wouldn't be thinking about those people anymore
But about myself
and the heat
and the smoke in my lungs
Yeah....
It must have been the soup that kept me strong

Wednesday 16 January 2013

No Work Tomorrow

Put me in a factory
and work me like a mule
Work me until my fingers are too bruised to type
or until my hands are so calloused they can no longer grip the pen
Work me like death or suicide
Work me until the thought of an ulcer seems comforting
I want to go home in the night and drink a beer and pass out drooling in front of the television set
Wake up the next morning
Repeat...
Work me until I'm sweating and crying and cursing the God's, screaming:
"I'm done with this shit! It's too hard to move on!"
and then work me some more
Make me believe I'm doing it for the betterment of myself
Make me believe that the cracking of my limbs and the silence of the young kids and old women beside me are getting more than their "money's worth"
and when one of them doesn't show up for their shift the following day
I'll believe they escaped to some place better
A place where sunlight pours through open windows and the warm winds are like old songs touching ears
as if they were ancient, ambient, memories passing by
A place where beer and wine are drank not to forget but just to have another great time
I like to think about that...
I mean,
We all need something to believe in

Sunday 13 January 2013

I Said I Would Write You A Poem


7 years ago
I told my grandmother I would write her a poem
But I had no words for her then
I was 17 and reckless
My eyes were set on the shiny things in life...
That year I moved out on my own
I was cooped up in a town that I felt was too small for my growing personality
I saved up enough money to leave
and I left.
When I got there
The city felt gigantic
There were people and parties and places to go and things to do
ALL of the time
Balconies and buildings
It was beautiful grandma
The lights
The spirit
I wish you were there to see it

5 years ago
I told my grandmother I was working on a poem
but I had no words for her again
I was 19 and I was crazy
The city had become my home
and the newness was gone
I had work everyday and at nights I would play music
by myself on a stage in a bar
Most of my friends had moved away or also had jobs
and we suddenly had become busy
and ingrained in the mechanics of that place
I tried everything I could to bring a bit of the excitement back
It cost me a lot of things
My money
My songs
My time
My sanity
I'm sure if you were there
You would have stopped it

3 years ago
I was in a band
and out of all the songs I wrote back then
I couldn't focus on your poem
I was playing shows almost every night of the week
and if I wasn't playing I was with the band writing or practising
We did radio spots and pressed our own EP
All of our music was self produced, self recorded, and it was a great time in my life
We held our own fundraiser for a children s hospital and raised over a grand playing music 2 years in a row
I got to sing out that boredom I was feeling
It brought back the excitement
The city lights felt a bit brighter
I cared less about having to work a 9-5 job
and I smiled more
If you were there
You would have smiled too

Last year
My grandmother made a joke about the poem I still owed her
I kept telling myself over and over in my head that it was coming
But I couldn't find the words
You see grandma,
That was the year I fell in love
I dedicated every piece of myself to making her happy
My heart buried itself deep into that year
I moved in with her
She was my best friend
I used to talk about bringing her home
To meet the family
To meet you
But time went on and  we fell apart
and I watched these beautiful and strange memories
Pour through my fingers like liquid
My mind was elsewhere
I did everything I could to bring on distraction
I got caught up and lost
That's not a place you would have wanted to be
It wasn't a place I ever hoped to be

But

Lately
I've seen you more now than I did when I was 17 and living with my mother and father
You don't mention the poem anymore
and neither do I
and everything I went through in that place meant nothing compared to how badly I wanted
to give you a poem
To give you words from your grandson that you would look at
In the future
or Someday
and be proud of...